Ugliness is merely commonplace; deformity is sublime...

yesterday the lady from the rescue charity phoned me. i told her that i had some misgivings about lady poppet and she was totally unfazed. it  seems that they expect a two week fostering period while you get to know each other anyway, and as it happens, not only would she have been in kennels over xmas while her original fosterer was away, but also, she has ended up in hospital, so it is good that she is here, where she evidently feels safe and happy, rather than in kennels. some dogs like kennels, ian thinks charlie loves it, because he gets to bark all day long. poppet has had rather too much time in a cage and she is a total velcro dog at the moment. well, it's probably what she will  always be like.

they are keen to get on with having her neutered, and want me to take her to the vet they use. they will bring her back to me, and i have said that even if i don't keep her i will foster her for as long as it takes. i am rather leaning towards keeping her, because although she could probably do with more humans for more playing and more walks, she is not restive. the pulling issue is another thing, and we are going to try her with a harness, since although i can probably train her eventually, it doesn't take the 3 minutes as demonstrated on the youtube video, and in the meantime i have to consider the issue of migraine as triggered by a trip wire situation around my neck.

however, having this two weeks grace gives me space to want to keep her, rather than feeling under pressure. i do really like her, and she is a super affectionate girl. she has turned my flat into a toy-somme having done gruesome things to most of the toys i currently posess, and it's good to know that she has that in her still, since not having had a normal puppy life could have left her in a different state.

i am able to take her pee walks either without the lead or with minimal lead, but the good parks are a bit away, so for the time being i am going to have to calculate the shortest possible distance that i have to have her on lead.

i am glad that i am going to have her over the time she is recovering from being spayed, since she is comfortable here and clearly feels safe.

i honestly had no idea i was going to feel so overwhelmed with the prospect of having a permanent dog. but as i get to know her i can see that as well as being lovely, she also has a lot to recommend her in terms of everyday life. she doesn't cry or whine, she is submissive with other dogs, she is friendly to people, although she likes to go in rubbish bags she doesn't have to be wrestled out. 'this way' seems to be a multi purpose command to get her to stop doing whatever it is she is doing and come back to me. she is happy to go back on the lead and doesn't have to be chased down for it. so all of this is good news. she has run into roads, she has no concept of 'road' and 'pavement', and there is the issue of the lead. i don't know what she will be like when i leave her alone - my only hope is that she doesn't bark. shutting her into a room for a bit during xmas day she cried for a bit but stopped after a while. but that was a highly emotional highly populated day in unfamiliar surroundings. when i go out from here she will be in her own space and have her toys and the bed formerly known as 'mine'.

i am still in a state of 'don't know' which is one of my least favourite states of mind. but at least i am under no duress, i am doing a good thing, as it turns out, anyway, and i guess after a couple of weeks i will really know.

i am enjoying her affectionate company enormously, the walks are good for me, but she does snore like a drunken uncle.

so, this is the creature i am currently calling 'poppet' mostly. as well as 'sillyface' but that is marginally worse for shouting in the park. she simply doesn't respond to 'lady', and, to be honest, neither do i.



this is her having a go at the teddy i was given when i was born, and which had his nose well chewed by my auntie's westie around 40 years ago. his left eye usually lives in his pocket, but i thought it safer to put that in a drawer for the time being. although i am a bit sad at the possible destruction of a childhood toy, i am pleased to see her doing normal behaviour. she has hoarded toys onto the bed, played tug with me with them and generally had puppyish fun.

the past couple of days had been very atypical around here - the first day i had four visitors, xmas eve, and she was super excited about all that and didn't calm down until they had left, xmas day i went to lottie's family xmas where there were a good 20 people, and another dog, and she was overstimulated to the power of 10. there was a bit of snapping at the other dog over food, but no blood was drawn, so i think their reaction was, in fact, an overreaction. i spent a lot of the day indoors with her on the lead. she got good walks, but she just couldn't settle down and be quiet in these circs at all.

when i got her home i took her out for a pee in the evening and she met 'prince' who lives downstairs. he tried to hump her, but not sexually, he was just trying to be dominant, but again, no blood, and his owner is really good, she insisted on keeping him near her and stopping him from dominating her. she was very quiet, but surprisingly calm. my neighbour has her hands full with prince, but she is very good with him, and it was a relief to work with someone positively on socialisation. she was very supportive, and it gave a bit of balance to the negativity about the food incident.

today we went to london fields. i know it is boxing day, so it was a bit of a long shot, but i was hoping the pet shop would be open so i could try her with a harness. she pulls like buggery, and actually this could be a deal breaker. but i know from walking chuck, that if you try and walk him with just a collar he will dislocate your arm, much less so with the harness, and it provides a handy handle to grab when he is just about to go naughtytail and you catch him in time.

of course, it was shut, though. i let her off straight away in the park. i am confident she comes back to me, so although she has no road sense, she is fine away from traffic. when i called her back, using the 'this way!' call, she came willingly, which is absolutely great, since she had attempted to go into the children only section, which is obvs not on.

the big question is this. when she was rescued, only a few weeks ago, from being caged, and being skinny, the foster carer fed her up with sandwiches and crisps, and only took her block walks, not proper park runs. so she hasn't had the best food, and she hasn't had anywhere near optimum exercise, but she is really still a puppy herself, and will be very energetic for another couple of years, which i, frankly, am not. now, whether having the regular exercise of taking her out will tone me up enough to cope with her improving health, or whether i should give her back to the foster people and say she's a great pup for someone young and fit and that i need a 4 year old who is more sedate is the million dollar question. it's such very early days - this is only day three, so nothing needs be decided.

part of my anxiety is just my anxiety, and if it was not this i was worrying about it would be something else, so i have to bear that part of the equasion in mind. neighbour was helpful, too, in that i was worrying about what vet to take her to, and was thinking of taking her to cityvet which is walking distance, and she said she takes prince there, and he loves it. although my kitty met a sad end there, i don't blame them, and i think going somewhere walking/cheap cab distance is pretty important. they might be able to advise me about insurance, too. i might take her there to have her nails clipped so she has a positive experience there on the first visit. lottie's sister is a vetty type, and she came in limping from the garden, so i held her down while she looked at her paw, and i think she is going to be pretty easy at a vet's. because the foster carers haven't been walking her much her nails could be from a nail bar, so long are they.

of course, things like organising insurance is a big reason why i don't have a car - i actually digest my own bodyweight in anxiety over paperwork type tasks, and cars have a ton of that stuff.

so, from overstimulation to most probably understimulation... today she is a lot calmer, though i can't say she has been bored. she likes having her early morning pee walk, she liked having a bit of duvet day with me in the morning, she liked going to london fields, which is the sort of walk i will be generally taking her on. she liked coming home and discovering soft toys and killing them a bit, and she has discovered standing on the dining room table gives her a vista of the sqare outside, satisfying her nosey neighbour instinct. currently she is snoozing with her nose in the air on the other sofa. it is possible that the usually calm everyday life that i have will be enough for her, and now i know she likes toys and tugging i know what to get her from the pet store.

having spent most of her life in a cage, she is not used to constant companionship of an available human, so she keeps checking me. she comes and sniffs my hands and face a lot.

i will get her a pig's ear. apparently this is a serious staffie delicacy.

...exhausted!

dog homing lady phoned in the morning to see if i could go pick up the dog myself. i said i would have to take her on buses and she said cheerily that that was fine. noooo not fine! exhausting, and visitors coming and to be cooked for as well. brainwave - asked ian to take me, he is the only person local i know with a car, and luckily for me he was free and willing to help.

it was some place in camden/ish... i've lived in london since nineteen canteen, and i still don't know, or have forgotten lots of areas and how they connect up. i haven't left east london much in the past 7 years or so, and have lost the plot with driving around. even before getting ill i had become a bit of an east londoner. anyway, ian knew his way around the tortuous one way system, and stayed in the car to avoid paying for parking, so i didn't have to prolong the agony for the poor foster people, who were clearly sorry to see her go. she had been used to breed then dumped, and had done the rounds of various pounds and was two days away from being put down before this lot grabbed her.

she took to me straight away, and i still haven't heard her bark. she was good in the car, and when i got her home she 'asked' to go out, which is a bit of a bonus, since neither charlie nor diva are that helpful. chuck would go out every 5 minutes if you were willing, and diva would hold her bladder for three days if she thought she could get away with it, so having a dog that lets you know is very helpful. and, for a staffie, she is remarkably unbothered about getting her feet wet, since we did go to the park and walk in the slush.

my brother and his girlf, lisa, turned up, and she was happy to greet them, and had a little go into the stairway, and came back when i called, which was a useful thing to know about her. also, when they were coming up in the lift i had the door open a crack and asked her to sit behind me, which she did a tiny bit (clearly a new instruction) but when my friends hazel and lottie arrived, she actually sat behind my legs until i let her go and say hello, so very quick learning, it looks like.

she was all over everyone like a rash, and has been very attention hogging all day. but now i am lying on the bed typing this she is having a quiet lie down, so i think she will get into the calmness that is usual around here. she has been sniffing me a lot, getting to know me, i guess, and i have had to clean my glasses of dog snot several times, as she comes in for a snog quite frequently. she has also smeared my laptop screen quite thoroughly, so that it looks like a windscreen that has been on a long journey.

the foster people have only been walking her round the block. she hasn't had a proper walk today, but she is quite energetic, and the sooner she gets a decent walk a day the better.

i cooked for my guests, fielded phone calls and opened presents. i have now taken a small pain killer, taken the dorg out for a pee walk, and am resting, what feels like at last. she came with the name 'lady' but i don't know if that will stick. she doesn't seem terribly attached to it. the usual thing, more interested in tone of voice than particular words. i will let her choose.

too knackered to take a photo for you today, but doubtless will become a doggy obsessed poster.

tomorrow i am going to lottie's family for xmas lunch, and they have a big garden, so i might get some photos then. hazel tried to photograph her today but got the usual ear shot and a nostril.

she is yet to meet prince downstairs, so i am looking forward to that, since neither of them are dog aggressive, both staffies, and might become chums.

oops! spoke too soon about the barking! quite loud!

she just got spooked, i think it was either prince or another dog outside.

still, not as bad as charlie barking at birds at dawn, and also drawing blood from the postman. she has competition if she thinks she can do naughty!

so i might be meeting evie...



maybe as soon as tomorrow.

i get an email newsletter about dogs that need rehoming, but a lot are too far away, so i fall in love with them then discover they are in cumbria or some place it would be really difficult to get to (no car). this one, as many staffies are, is in london. i assumed there would be a waiting time, and that perhaps she would have already been adopted, and also i don't have a garden and they can be sniffy about that.

anyway i wrote an email explaining what i can offer, and also my limitations, and got a phone call. the woman at the rescue centre said there were two possibles for me, evie, and another staffie, lady. they are both 'death row' dogs. evie is a bit skinny still. but they are both young, and won't whoever i get be a nice surprise for prince downstairs?

she said that they don't normally act so quickly but as i was so local... i am waiting to find out if the foster mum of lady wants to keep her, and for the rescue people to talk and decide, and i think i might be having good staffie loving for xmas. which means i have to cancel what i was going to be doing for the next few weeks, but so what? this is what i wanted, after all.

end of year review, ganked from firecat. lets see how i measure up to regular life standards....

1. Will you be looking for a new job in 2010?
i will be looking for a new life in 2010. trying to build my strength and do what i can within what i can do.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
i don't know if i will ever 'look' for a relationship again. i might find one, but i won't look.

3. New house?
i have been looking into moving to cornwall, but don't want to RUSH so thought i might move within london, but it turns out this flat is good for project dog, quite big, suitable for me to try painting again in, and a lot cheaper to do up than to move house,  and a lot lot easier. so, no.

4. What will you do differently in '10?
exercise. i am getting dorg asap. possibly a 'jug'

5. New Year's resolution?
make a better effort on the food front.

6. What will you not be doing in '10?
going to night clubs. i can be fairly sure of that.

7. Any trips planned?
there will be more cornwall. i will be in brighton at the beginning of the year, and need to go up to the fens. lottie wants to do an american trip which i could hook up with, and do fancy...  though it could clash with project dog.

8. Wedding plans?
oh, yes. always. my best one is to have the atrium in the barbican with a harpist. not sure of the groom, though.

9. What's on your calendar?
psych appt. voluntary bobbins. not much else.

10. What can't you wait for?
dorg!!!!!

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
politics.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
aerobic fitness.

13. What happened in '09 that you didn't think would ever happen?

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
doubt it. i try pretty hard. not to be nice, to be kind.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in '09?
my developing look is to do with becoming hearty and outdoorsy. i am also wearing more black, as it is good for travelling.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
i already quit. can't see me starting again. it's not because i have a will of iron, i just tend to get too ill.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
possibly. it's probably as good as it it's likely to be.

18. Will you do charity work?
yes. i already do. it's actually all i do, and not much of it, so it's quite selfish.

19. Will you go to bars?
i wouldn't have thought so.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
probably. i usually am, mainly.

21. Do you expect 2010 to be a good year for you?
yeah.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
loads.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Nope.

[someone ate question 25]

26. Will you be moving?
not unless i am whisked away.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in '10 that happened this year?
going on holiday by mistake. i seem to have been born under the sign withnail and i

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
i will either be at home with my friend nickylove and his dorgs, or else at a small party... probably briefly. i will almost certainly be in bed three hours before midnight.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
if i am dreaming, or a dog snogs me for some cake it thinks is in my mouth.

30. Wish for 2010?
wellbeing.

this is her studio in st ives, now a museum.



i took lots of pictures there. to see some more, here are two slideshows i put on tumblr

here's the studio elaine4queen.tumblr.com/post/282126343

and the garden, with a few in the house, which is just exhibiton space now, nothing domestic, but that's babs, for you elaine4queen.tumblr.com/post/284674698 apart from anything else, there may not have been anything domestic to keep, since she did die smoking in bed.

i rarely take photos of people, but was pleased to discover this little gem in my camphone


it's my brother, reflected in the glass of a little shed thingy (they probably have a proper name) which babs had a bed in. how i would THRIVE with a shed thingy with a bed in it in a garden. i was pleased with the picture, too.

today i am getting things done. which i haven't really, in, say, months. what with being poorly and travelling and being poorly again and travelling again, and the kitchen and doing things and being ill, rinse, repeat.

this image i am able to credit, it's from this artist, apparently downinparis.deviantart.com/ i have not really investigated deviantart, i probably should, but you know, lazy. and naturally, i ganked it from tumblr. anyway, it seemed to illustrate some sort of domestic magic, which is what i am doing today. how? you may ask? and considering i got up at early o'clock to take migraine meds and valium, i have to say i am as surprised as you are. i started off easing myself in with watching the uk sitcom 'miranda', then i had to get dressed for the shopping to arrive. in order to have the drive to clean out all the mouldy vegetables that have been in there since before cornwall, and make room for the new ones which i am silently promising to eat or juice and not just let grow mould then throw away, what i did was to hook up my lappetoppe to speakers and play last.fm where i have a station called 'cabaret' which is orrsome. so, to edgy punky accordion fin de siecle cabaret music, i cleared and cleaned and then, -get this!- when i had done that i faced down the chaos that is my drug regimen and worked out what i needed and phoned the chemist and got them all ordered so i did that task too! i also fitted in lying on my bed listening to a radio play while scrolling down all the tumblr i have missed while i was away - i had to turn off all photos to get any internet at all where i was.

so this is how i am pacing the day. now i have done those tasks, even, inbetween time ordering some supplements i need online, i am lying back on the bed with 'cabaret' still on and typing this.

it's like i am on

(for those of you reading on fb, there was a picture at the top of this, and that last word was FIRE but with actual fire coming out of the font! see what you are missing not reading this on helljay?????)

and to top it all off, i am now going to blog, for your satisfaction, some st ives pictures i took last time, but didn't get around to posting.

check me out!!!!!

on fiyarrrrrrrrr!!!!!